This is the third installment in a four-part series titled” The Testing of My Faith.” It is a series about various trials I have been going through, how they have affected my faith, my relationship with God, and, most importantly, what God taught me through them. If you haven’t read the previous posts, you can go back and read the first post on unemployment and the second on loneliness. This post is on singleness.
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
James 1:2-3
Most of the time I hear people speak of singleness, it is with frustration, contempt, annoyance, pain or downright hatred. I am guilty of associating each of these feelings with the word at some point in my life.
However, of the four topics, I am covering in this series, singleness is the least painful of all. Primarily because it doesn’t affect me daily as unemployment does, nor do I feel it as frequently as loneliness. But mostly because, three years ago my outlook on singleness entirely changed. And it made being single more bearable. But before I get into that, let me briefly walk you through my singleness history.
In my previous post, I wrote about my ongoing struggle with loneliness, and how it has been hard for me to make friends. Well, dating has been even harder. Love-wise, it seemed like I have been doomed to ride on one-way streets. Whenever I developed feelings for a guy, he didn’t reciprocate it; conversely, when a guy got interested in me, I was not.
As a result of this, I have been single almost all of my life and only had two boyfriends. Each lasted about three months.
To break the cycle of singleness and also to ease my loneliness, I often settled and got involved with men I didn’t like romantically. Since I didn’t have any friends, the only people I talked to frequently were guys hitting on me. The only way to keep their attention was to let it get a bit more friendly. Otherwise, they would leave without even considering friendship.
In my desperation to get a boyfriend, I did quite some foolish things. I got drunk for the first time to impress a guy; I let a guy physically abuse me, I got pressured in doing things, and I allowed guys to insult me, manipulate me, and walk all over me. It seemed better to be with the wrong person than to be alone.
However, my mindset changed when I became a real Christian and listened to a sermon on singleness. I had never heard a sermon on singleness before and never knew it could be a gift from God. The pastor said that singleness is a gift because it is a period God set for us to focus on Him. He then cited 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 which states that when we get married, we divide our attention between God and our spouse. But, when we are single, we don’t have such distractions and can serve the Lord wholly.
He made two other noteworthy points. First, we need to straighten our relationship with God before getting into another relationship. Second, we need to maximize our singleness, not waste it pining for marriage.
After listening to that sermon, my thoughts on singleness completely changed. I stopped looking at singleness as a problem to solve, but as a gift to embrace. And for the first time ever, I was single and okay about it. Instead of chasing after guys, I decided to pursue God and build my relationship with Him. It was great learning more about Jesus and spending time with Him. I also became less lonely when talking to Him, and stopped seeking men out of desperation or loneliness.
But eventually, my longings returned. I began to ask God to help me meet “the one,” but God did not. As my longing kept growing, so did the temptation of settling with someone. What tested my faith most, wasn’t just that I had to wait, it was that I could not “have fun” in my waiting. Many times, I wanted to be with someone even if it wasn’t serious. I just needed to satisfy my loneliness while waiting for the one. The worst test came when I fell for a man who was not right for me, and couldn’t do anything about it.
And I hated it.
It made me question God’s goodness; it was like I was Eve in the garden, but God had forbidden me all the fruits. I looked at non-believers “free” to do what they wanted and wondered if this self-denying Christian life was even worth it; if God even cared. I was starting to hate my singleness again and began flirting with the idea of not waiting on God’s timing.
But after much wrestling and praying, the Holy Spirit revealed to me how beneficial my singleness has been and why I should wait on God and focus on enjoying Him. And here are six reasons why my singleness has been a gift and why you should see it as a gift too.
1. It taught me that I am complete in Christ
Since I never had real relationships and close girlfriends, I got my knowledge of love and dating from TV. I often heard statements like, “you complete me,” or “you are my other half,” that made me believe I needed a man to be complete. During my singleness, I learned that I am perfect and whole in Christ, not a man. Marriage is not two halves becoming one, but two wholes becoming one. Knowing you are complete in Christ will free you from unreasonable expectations from your future spouse.
2. I deepened my relationship with Jesus
The most significant benefit of my singleness was getting to know Jesus and learning to love Him. I had a lot of free time and was able to spend it with God in the word, sermons, prayer, worship music, etc. At some point, I had a crush that distracted me from God. I remember asking God to take away these feelings if they wouldn’t lead to anything so that I could focus on Him without distraction again. Your singleness is the only time you can focus on God without distraction.
3. I had the freedom to serve God fully
Without the hindrance of scheduling time for a boyfriend/husband, or dealing with kids, I had the freedom to serve and volunteer as much as I wanted. I served on Sundays in church, at Christian events in town, local outreach my church had and even started a blog. Take advantage of your singleness to be the Lord’s hands and feet and be a blessing to others.
4. It gave me time to develop the traits of a Godly spouse
Whenever I prayed and asked God for a spouse, I also asked Him to make me better in the meantime. I would ask Him to help me become the Godly woman, a Godly man would desire. If I asked God for a man after His heart, I would ask Him to help me seek His heart. Use your singleness to become a Proverbs 31 woman or an Ephesians 5 man. These qualities will serve you well beyond marriage.
5. I learned to appreciate my company
Being single taught me to be comfortable alone, to enjoy my company and entertain myself. I don’t mean being lonely and isolated from community and friends, but be able to go out alone, spend some time with yourself without going crazy and learn to do things on your own. Otherwise, you will always depend on others or things to feel good. I used to be like that, and I don’t recommend it.
6. It made me see and keep Jesus as my first love
After being single for a long time, and dealing with unrequited love and rejections, I began to despair and believe I was unlovable. My singleness reminded me that I am not unlovable, Jesus loves me. He loved me before I took my first breath and will love me till my death and beyond. I learned to enjoy, appreciate His love and value it above any man’s love for me. Ground yourself in God’s love while you are single, so you can keep Him first when you get married.
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:32-35
While I do believe it is good to use our singleness to improve and treat ourselves, go on adventures and have fun, it shouldn’t be the highlight of our singleness. As Christians, the focus of our singleness should be to serve and worship God with undivided attention; besides, self-improvement and fun don’t end at the altar.
At the time of this writing, I am still single and still desire marriage. It gets hard at times, especially around this time of the year when the world forcibly reminds me I am single (Valentine’s day). But even so, singleness is still a gift, and I will keep making the most out of it.
Friend, if you are single like me, my prayer is that you may use this season to focus on running your race and keeping your eyes on God. I pray He gives you patience in this season and that you allow Him to work in you and become holy. I pray that in your singleness, you will bear good fruits and serve the Lord as He asks you. Lastly, when the time is right, may God bring you a suitable partner to run this race with you to the end.
Read next: The Testing of My Faith: No Money
Grace and peace to you!
Useless from the first to the last line.
Hi,it is too bad that my post was not helpful to you. Grace and peace to you!
It is very obvious why so many of us men are still single today with the very big change in the women, especially now that so many women are really into their own sex now more than ever before.
Are you still single? I’m struggling with this. I cried all day on Valentine’s Day and I’m 29 and just cant seem to find my guy. All my friends and even my twin are getting married this year and I don’t know why I cant make peace with this. It feels like it will never happen for me. Guys like me but they are always either spiritually or physically weak. It’s the one thing that eats me up inside. It’s hard to see it as a good thing when I feel so stuck.
I am still single. I know it’s hard, especially as we get older and everyone seems to be in relationships but us. But we must remember that God’s will is always better than our preferences. And as much as I would love to be a wife and mother, being a child of God is more than enough blessing! So my advice is to take advantage of this season to grow in your knowledge and grace of Christ. When you set your eyes on Him, it’s a bit easier to be content with where you are.
So true I am in the season of waiting of Gods Best yet I know that those who hope in the Lord will never be put to shame. Now Im serving the Lord and in God’s perfect time I know He will provide.
Amen, God’s timing is always perfect!
I know that i made my comment about three months ago, since the women today have really changed from the past making love very difficult to find now for so many of us single guys that are very seriously looking. And what would God say now that so many women these days just like sleeping around with different guys all the time, since they just can’t commit to only one? There are many of us men that really can treat a good woman with a lot of love, respect, and commitment. And there are many of us men that can… Read more »
If God had created women just like the old days, then many of us men would’ve never been single at all. Today women unfortunately aren’t like the past, since now they have very high unrealistic expectations.
Hi Jim. I advise you not to blame God for human faults. God created men and women in His image, and that hasn’t changed. Don’t blame women either. Women, like men, are fallen sinful creatures, and we all (both genders) have our faults. When something goes wrong, we shouldn’t act like Adam and Eve in the garden and blame one another. Instead, we must look into the mirror and take away the log out of our eyes.
Many of us men though never did ask to be born either, and being single and alone all the time can be very unhealthy and depressing too. How do you fix that since it is very nice to want and be loved as well?
Being single does not mean you have to be alone all the time. If you are Christian, you are part of God’s family and have many brothers and sisters with whom you can do life with. It is not the same as having a spouse, to be sure, but it is still a community, and you can find love and acceptance with your spiritual family.
Audrey, Just remember if women today really had been like the past which then many of us guys really wouldn’t been single at all. The very big change in the women today certainly are too really blame for that one unfortunately since many of us aren’t single by choice either.