Single Ever After

Though I have been single for a while, I often avoid sermons, books, or other materials on singleness. In my experience, these tend to fall into one of two unhelpful categories. The first is the “poor you” type: “Just hang in there; the Lord knows your desires and, in due time, he will answer you.” And the second is the “tough love” type: “Your singleness is a gift to work for God. Be thankful for the opportunities ahead of you!”

So, I approached Single Ever After: A Biblical Vision for the Significance of Singleness by Danielle Treweek with some trepidation. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it doesn’t fall into either category. Instead, this book offers a thoughtful exploration of the theology of singleness. Treweek explains what Scripture teaches about singleness and dispels misconceptions by addressing topics such as the gift of singleness, celibacy, loneliness, and the purpose of singleness.

As a single woman in her early thirties, I often question the usefulness of my singleness. I have frequently heard that its purpose is to serve and worship God without distraction. This has made me feel pressured to “do more” in this season and to see my singleness as valuable only if I use it productively.

Treweek calls this an instrumental understanding of singleness—measuring its worth solely in terms of usefulness. But singleness, she argues, doesn’t just have an instrumental value. It also has intrinsic value—it’s inherently good. When we reduce singleness only to its usefulness, “we tend not to think that singleness has meaning in and of itself, but just that it can be meaningfully spent” (15).

Both marriage and singleness are intrinsically good. Marriage is beneficial because it symbolizes the union of Christ and the church. Likewise, singleness is valuable because it points to the reality that we will be single in eternity (Matthew 22:24-28). As Treweek writes, “The married Christian specializes in pointing us towards the gloriously intimate relationship which the church (that is, all of us together) will enjoy with Christ forever. The unmarried Christian specializes in pointing us towards the gloriously intimate relationships we will enjoy with one another within the church forever” (22).

This perspective was comforting, as it reminded me I can be thankful for singleness not only for what I do with it but also because of what it already means. Otherwise, “having a purely instrumental view of singleness can rob us of any joy or dignity in simply being unmarried” (18).

Debates about the “gift of singleness” often fall into two camps. Some say it’s simply being single, while others define it as the rare ability not to desire marriage, often for the sake of ministry. After years of going back and forth, I pitched my tent in the latter camp, but Treweek persuasively argues for the former.

The problem with the first definition of the gift, she explains, is its subjectivity. We can judge whether we have it by our longings. If the gift is the lack of desire for marriage, then anyone who longs to marry automatically doesn’t have it. Following that line of thought, marriage-seeking singles have neither the gift of singleness nor marriage.

Instead, Treweek posits that the gift of singleness is just being single. Its goodness lies not in our preferences but in God’s purposes. She writes, “Understanding ‘the gift of singleness’ in this way—the gift of being single—means that its goodness lies in the purposes God has embedded into the single Christian life and not in whether we want the gift or not. It means the gift’s value lies in the fact that God has given singleness to His people as a good thing, not in how we feel about being single, becoming single again, or remaining single forever (67).

Many who agree with the first definition of the gift may still teach the latter under a different name—celibacy. Celibacy is often considered superior to mere singleness in many circles. Singles who desire marriage are often berated and dismissed, while those who choose celibacy are elevated and praised. A prominent pastor even recently said, “Singleness is a curse, celibacy is a gift.”

What matters most is not why we are single, but how we choose to be single. As Treweek puts it, “Intentionality in singleness is not about the act of intentionally choosing singleness. Rather, it’s about intentionally pursuing faithfulness to Christ in our singleness for so long as we are single” (87).

One minor point I wrestled with in this section is Treweek’s interpretation of Matthew 19:11–12. She suggests that the “eunuch” in this passage does not refer to those who choose never to marry but to divorced disciples who decide not to remarry. Surprisingly, she doesn’t elaborate on this interpretation here,but instead points readers to her blog for more detail. I would have appreciated a fuller explanation within the book itself.

For better or worse, there are more singles in the church today than in previous generations. Single Ever After is a timely resource that helps us learn what Scripture says about singleness and how to navigate it faithfully. I enjoyed reading it, as it’s rich with biblical insights and practical application points.

All good gifts flow from God. In his wisdom, he gives to some a season of marriage, and to others a season of singleness. But whatever our current gifts, our calling is to pursue Christ and holiness. As Treweek concludes, “Whatever your situation in life, stand firm alongside your brothers and sisters in Christ. Let nothing move you or divide your devotion. Give yourself fully to the Lord and his concerns. And know that whether you have a spouse, do not have a spouse, or no longer have a spouse, your labour in the Lord is not in vain (168).