Faith Over Fear: Fear of Getting Hurt

This post is the third in a series, “Faith over Fear,” where I write about my fears and what I am learning from God’s Word to overcome them. Read part one on my fear of failure, and fear of man here.

Faith or fear, a choice I must make,
for if one I bear, the other I break.

I am afraid of chewing gum. Of all the fears I have shared in this series, this is probably the oddest one, so let me explain.

When I was thirteen, I loved gum—mainly popping bubbles. One day, I felt a sharp pain in my mouth while chewing a fresh piece. A tooth hurt so much I could barely speak or eat. Consequently, my mum took me to my least favorite place in the world, the dentist’s office.

The dentist examined me and concluded I needed a root canal. He began the procedure with local anesthesia to numb the infected area. But for reasons I can’t recall, he deemed it necessary to inject another dose of anesthesia directly in my tooth. The tooth that provoked intense pain at a mere flick of my tongue. It was the most painful experience of my life, and to this day, I fear chewing gum. I can’t look at one without remembering that ordeal.

Avoiding potentially painful situations worked well with my tooth, so I applied it to my relationships.

I have been burned a lot relationally; people have broken my trust, betrayed, rejected, and abandoned me on multiple occasions. Every time I get close to someone, they wound me deeply, sometimes on purpose. As a result, I developed a fear of people hurting me.

Fear of getting hurt is merely being afraid that something or someone will hurt you. It’s closely related to fear of intimacy, rejection, abandonment, and being vulnerable.

These fears manifest in several ways, such as sabotaging relationships and not being vulnerable to others. It manifested itself in my life through the defense mechanism I put in place to avoid getting hurt. I erected sturdy walls around my heart and barred entry to anyone who came too close. One reason I blog anonymously is that I don’t want people I know to read the personal things I share here. I am terrified of how vulnerable it would make me.

Psychologists cite many reasons we fear getting hurt, but I think the core reason is that pain was not part of our original design.

In the beginning, Adam and Eve walked naked in the garden and were not ashamed. Their nakedness symbolizes their innocence and intimacy; it wasn’t even conceivable that they could hurt one another. But everything changed when they ate the forbidden fruit. Sin, suffering, and sorrow entered the world and distorted God’s design. And we have been hurting one another since then.

The holy Scriptures feature several examples of men who got burned in their relationships and the agony they felt. Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery; Delilah betrayed Samson to the Philistines; David’s son Absalom turned the people against David and plotted to steal his throne. And then there is Job. His wife deserted him at his most vulnerable moment, and his closest friends accused him of wrongdoing. He cried, “All my intimate friends abhor me, and those whom I loved have turned against me.” (Job 19:19).

David echoes well the agony of being betrayed by others in Psalm 55:12-13. He said, “For it is not an enemy who taunts me—then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. We used to take sweet counsel together; within God’s house, we walked in the throng.”

When we open ourselves to others, and they let us down, it hurts. It’s rational to want to protect ourselves and keep others at bay. But it isn’t Christ-like.

No one suffered at the hands of others more than Jesus. All His creatures rebelled against Him in sin (Romans 3:23), the people He grew up with tried to kill him (Luke 4:29), His closest disciples betrayed, denied, and abandoned Him( John 18:2, Matthew 26:74), and the people whom he loved and gave up his glories in heaven for, rejected Him (John 1:11). Yet Jesus never stopped loving us. He didn’t build a wall to keep people away. On the contrary, He tore down the veil and gave us unrestricted access to His heart.

Whereas we restrict our love because we might get hurt, Jesus chose to love us though He knew our sin would grieve His heart.

As his followers, we ought to live and love like Him (1 John 2:6). Surrendering to the fear of getting hurt is unworthy of Christ because it’s ultimately selfish. When I distance myself from others, I only think of myself and my feelings. I don’t consider how my isolation affects others around me or how it burdens the people who love me but can’t get close to me.

The Holy Scriptures say love doesn’t insist on its own way; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Hence the biblical prescription for fear of getting hurt is to love like Christ. It’s looking towards God’s selfless love that didn’t spare His own son instead of indulging in a selfish love that only seeks to preserve ourselves.

It doesn’t mean we should wear our hearts on our sleeves and trust anyone. But it means we must accept the possibility of getting hurt and still love. God created us for fellowship with one another, but there is no intimacy without vulnerability. Others need us as much as we need them, and we can’t fulfill all the “one another” commands in the Bible if we hide behind walls.

It is a scary thing to lay bare before others. I still struggle with it. The closer I get to someone, the more fearful I am of getting hurt. When I want to retreat behind my safe walls, I remember Jesus’ example and how loving like Him makes me more like Him.

So I entrust my fragile heart to God, knowing that it’s precious to Him, and always safe in His tender care.

  Grace and peace to you!